Author Archive

Socially-Acceptable Sayings When You Don’t Know What To Say

  A bit of humor, though totally serious…

     Ever receive a gift and hate what you received, yet the gift-giver is in front of you watching you open it?
Ever have to respond to seeing someone else's newborn baby whom you think isn't so cute?
Ever receive a comment from someone that you would rather not have received?

     Another list to which I belong began a string of words/phrases we can use for the awkward situations in which we find ourselves. How many of these have YOU used? LOL!

Original word and "urban definition" that started this list: "Interesting "
(adj) Something which arouses no interest at all. Used to politely avoid admitting this, which indirectly expresses your indifference. Example: "Yes, your bottle cap collection is INTERESTING."

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Contributions to the list from group members:

• Open a gift that you find absolutely horrid, yet the gift giver is there watching you open it: "Oh, this is…pause…USEFUL." (Unspoken message: Useful to someone but not to you!) S.H.
• Receiving not-so-positive feedback from someone whom you know gives not-go-nice feedback to anyone, any time: "Well, thank you for SHARING." (Unspoken message: …but I could have lived without you doing so.) S.H.
• Observing someone doing something outrageous and inappropriate: "My! THAT was SOMETHING." (Unspoken message: But I don't know what that something is.) S.H.
• "My Aunt would, upon seeing many newborns, children or grandchildren of friends, usually said 'Now THAT's a baby!' It said it all." J.E.
• And there's the story that has gone around for years about Southern women who say "Bless your heart", and what they really mean. J.E.
• And on the Southern note, another saying is "Isn't that NICE!" That says it all, too. G.N.
• As in "How NICE for you!communication, speech, say, embarrassed, sorry" When I say that it means I either think what they are doing is really lame or I am having an attack by the green-eyed monster!!! D.D.

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End note: Here's a link to a nice article written by one of my speaker colleagues about whether to confront someone or not, and what to say when you'd rather not say anything.
"Green Jello: Principles of Conflict Resolution". Author – Sarita Maybin. Look under "Resources" for this signature story by Sarita.

Sensitive Issue: Dealing With Employee’s Odor

  Heavy odors that follow a person around – whether overly sweet or noxious – are a concern in the tight confines of an indoor workplace. Many conditions can contribute to odors – cultural, smoking, hygiene, illness, and "freshening up", to name a few. How to approach and address someone for whom trailing odors are a reality? Wow! A tricky situation to address.

Talking to someone about unpleasant odors risks hurting feelings, yet also provides the chance for the "offender" to remedy the situation. The full workplace article with tips on how to handle this situation is HERE at The Washington Post – Jobs site.
 

Resilience – 10 Tips (From: Big White Wall)

Article Title: "10 Tips for Building Resiliency"
Related Topic: Perseverance

Discover how to bounce back from, and successfully adapt to, life's setbacks and adversities with tips and suggestions from the American Psychological Association in this article.

Positive Words

     Why is it that you can say the same thing as your colleague, yet your colleague gets a positive response and you receive a less-positive one? It could be that the words you use reflect a less-than-positive expectation or outcome. Incorporate positive words into your messages when you communicate.

     What are positive words? They are words that "feel" good, reflect a can-do expectation, and imply a belief that it is possible to achieve what is to be achieved. Examples of positive words include: can instead of cannot; do instead of do not; when will you instead of would you; we expect instead of we would like.

     Use positive words in your letters, proposals, contracts, e-mail, and when you speak. They plant subliminal messages to the reader or listener that "no" is unacceptable and that you expect results. Positively!

Bonus: Here is a list of positive words you can use in your communications.

Play Down Personal Style

     Occasionally, an article appears in the news about how terrible it is that an organization restricts its employees' self-expression by imposing strict dress and grooming codes. Because my programs and books focus on professionalism, interpersonal skills and perceptions, I love to see these articles and use them as examples-both pro and con-of how companies communicate and enforce corporate cultural norms.

     The corporate image-and I use "corporate" to mean any business or organization in this case-of an organization is projected by its people and how they look and act. Of course an organization's image is also reflected by its facilities, how it does business, philanthropic efforts, and other projections of who the organization is and what it represents. One of the first visible images of an organization, however, are the people who represent the organization. Therefore, a well-documented and widely communicated and enforced code is essential to projecting the "right" (as determined by the organization's leadership) corporate image.

     Difficulty arises on both sides-the organization's and the employee's-when dress codes seemingly infringe on cultural expressions of a diverse workforce. Title VII of the EEOC's Civil Rights Act of l964 prohibits employers from discriminating against individuals based on the religious, birthplace, ancestry, cultural or linguistic characteristics common to a specific ethnic group. This includes discrimination in hiring, firing and other terms and conditions of employment. Where the legal challenges come in is the interpretation of how dress codes discriminate against individuals' cultural and religious norms. An employment attorney is who to consult about corporate and individual rights concerning cultural and religious expressions.

     I once overheard a manager's admonition to an employee to "use good judgment and be practical" with the employee's clothing selection. The problem with that admonition is that using "good judgment" is similar to using "common sense". The adage that "common sense is anything but common" applies to good judgment, also.

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Suggested resources for "dress code" and professionalism:

• Sylvia's article at HR.com ("The Don'ts of Dos").
• HR.com search "dress+code".
• Book: Why You Talk So White? Eliminate the Behaviors that Sabotage Your Success. Sylvia Henderson. V-Twin Press. ISBN #1932197001. Available from www.WhyYouTalkSoWhite.com
• Card Deck: Success Language: Card Deck. Complete deck of 24 reference cards for table-top or pocket reference. Mem-Cards. ISBN #1932197044. Available from SpringboardTraining.com.
• Book: Beyond Business Casual-What to Wear to Work If You Want to Get Ahead. Ann Marie Sabath. Career Press. ISBN #0595306535.
• Book: Your Executive Image-How to Look Your Best & Project Success, for Men and Women. Victoria A. Seitz. Adams Media. ISBN # 1580621783.

Phrases That Inhibit Change & Stifle Great Ideas

     At times I work with an organization that states there is an Organizational Development (OD) issue. I continue when we realize there are communications issues. One of the challenges in Organizational Development is moving from identifying issues and developing solutions to actually effecting change. Individuals have enough of a challenge dealing with change. Convincing decision-makers to institute organization-wide change is sometimes akin to moving a mountain.

     The following list of phrases that inhibit change came across my desk recently. As I went down the list, I realized I heard more than half of these comments made over the years as I worked with groups. For fun, I decided to spend a week listening to people in my programs to see how many – and how often – I heard any of these statements. In a one-week time frame, I heard no fewer than fifteen of these statements directly relating to areas of change being considered, and of those fifteen statements, six of them were made by at least five different people multiple times. This is just in a week!

     There is little chance that the field of Organizational Development will be rendered unnecessary anytime soon.

Phrases That Inhibit Change

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• We tried that before.
• We're different.
• We did just fine without it.
• It's never been tried before.
• That's not my job/not our problem.
• Let's form a committee.
• We don't have the time.
• Not enough resources to make that happen.
• That won't work for us.
• The executive committee/top management will never go for it.
• The staff will never buy it.
• It can't be done.
• The union will scream.
• It's too much trouble.
• It won't pay for itself.
• We don't have the authority.
• Let's get back to reality.
• I know a person who tried it (and it didn't work).
• We've always done it this way.
• You're right, but…
• Don't rock the boat.
• We're not ready for that.
• Can't teach an old dog new tricks.
• Good idea, but impractical.
• Not THAT again.

I would love to hear YOUR phrases that inhibit change…or those that you hear from others – that are not already on the above list!
 

ADDITIONAL REFERENCE:

• "Ideacide: 14 Ways to Kill Creativity", by Matthew E. May

Phrases That Encourage Cooperation

(Well…you were looking for this after the last post, weren't you?)

     In a previous post I listed phrases we use that inhibit change. They were phrases that tend to signal "We won't change", "It can't be done", and the like. One reader wrote me directly suggesting approaches to dealing with some of the change inhibitors. He suggested the following responses to change inhibitors that represent lack of commitment on the part of leadership (not enough time, money, personnel, equipment, facilities…resources):

• Use problem-solving techniques to investigate why "it" failed the last time, and to develop corrective action.
• Use sales and marketing tools to analyze features-benefits, overcome objections, and to perform cost-benefit analysis comparisons.

(Thank you, T.J. You know who you are.)

     I received a list of positive phrases in my e-mail inbox. These phrases particularly interested me because part of my workshops on professional behaviors and attitudes that reflect positive work ethics includes positive words and positive messages that encourage cooperation and action. These are the phrases included in the recently-received list that can have a positive impact:

• Thank you.
• I could use your help on this.
• What do you think?
• How would you approach this?
• How can I help you?

(Another thank you, to T.S. Yes, these are real people who have not given me permission to post their names.)

Open a closed mind or encourage teamwork and action using the above phrases. Of course there are plenty more that create a positive impact. You use others in your own interactions as you lead people to share ideas, develop solutions, and plan for change. Imagine the possibilities if the list of positive phrases were twice as long as that of those that inhibit change! Embrace change…it's one of the few "sure things" we experience.
 

Online Profiles: Keep Yours Positive

     Success language is everything you say and do that communicates who you are and for what you stand. This includes your online presence as you post profiles, communicate, blog, join networks, and otherwise reach out into a universe that makes it easier and easier to find out more and more about you.

     As I say in my programs, be careful how you stand out to be recognized. An article in Kiplinger Personal Finance noted that a careless comment, embarrassing incident journalled, or racy photograph posted online can seriously damage your overall reputation. A survey by ExecuNet, a business networking organization, found that 83 percent of corporate recruiters and executives research job candidates online. 43 percent have eliminated a candidate based on search results.

     Find out what is out there about yourself by using your favorite search engine and searching your name. Set up accounts with a professional focus on sites such as LinkedIn. Create a professional or school subject content blog. Make your avatar in virtual worlds such as Second Life a professional-looking human.

     Apparently all is not lost if you have skeletons in your virtual closet. Websites like DefendMyName.com and ReputationDefender.com are in the business of cleaning up a less-than-stellar online image. Yet, the best defense is no offense. Avoid putting a negative image out there to begin with to make success language a part of your virtual communication about who you are and for what you stand.
 

On The Same Channel (Three Communications Modalities)

     A biker and a trucker are driving down the road. No, seriously. This is not an off-color joke. Both the biker and trucker have CB radios tuned to Channel 19. Both can clearly send and receive messages to each other because they are on the same radio frequency despite their disparate vehicles and radio manufacturers.

     Each of us has our own channel through which we best receive and internalize messages. In various contexts these channels are referred to as learning styles, sensory receptors, neurolinguistic programming, or multiple intelligences. To communicate more clearly, determine the primary channel – visual (sight; eyes), auditory (sound; ears), or kinesthetic (touch; motion) – through which your message receiver processes messages. You can then transmit your message on that same channel to ensure the best reception.

     Pay attention to the words a person uses to find their clearest channel. While the following examples are not hard-and-fast rules, they serve as clues to a person's primary mode of receiving and processing messages. Frequent use of terms such as "I see" and "I get the picture" indicate a person is likely a visual receiver. "I'm all ears" and "That sounds like a plan" suggest auditory reception while "I need to get a feel for that" and "I grasp the situation" typically come from kinesthetic receivers.

     Once you learn the other person's primary channel, send your message on the same channel. "Let me show you" works best for visual; "I'll tell you this" works best for auditory; and "Wrap your arms around this idea" hits home for kinesthetic receivers.

     Tune into others' channels and you'll find they tune into your messages more clearly.

Bonus: A short self-assessment – which is your primary communications channel for receiving messages?

Observation: Those Who Need It Most Least Likely To Invest (In Their Success)

     I staff a book expo table for my books, card decks, and audio products and I watch people walk by. I love people-watching! What I experience is that those who come up to my table to pick through my products and talk a lot of nonsense look and sound like they most need what they do not buy (books and audio products on success, speaking clearly, and presenting oneself positively).

     Those who already understand the principles about which I write and speak about come up to my table, carefully peruse what interests them, engage me in positive conversation, and purchase tools to convey messages to youth and employees they want to help.

     Now…how do I reach those who most need this info to convince them to invest in themselves? Just musing "out loud".